Life, Loss

The Cover Story

The Cover Story

People who I’ve had the privilege of working with know that I’m pretty deliberate with almost everything (yup, #4 theme in Strengths Finder). My colleagues probably get tired of me asking them what’s the purpose or what’s the goal before giving my two cents on things. So let me share with you here the story behind the cover of my book, “When God Could’ve But He Didn’t.”

Before that, just a little intro to how #wGcbHd came about. Like I said in my book, I never thought that writing a book would be something I’d be doing, but a book was closer to what I thought could happen in my life than losing our firstborn. While I was pregnant, I was trying to revive an old website where I used to blog. I wrote about our daughter, and the battles she faced. I have republished these posts here: Berea Dannielle, Brei’s 1st battle, and Brei’s 2nd battle. I wrote about Brei’s 3rd battle (congenital diaphragmatic hernia), but I wasn’t able to finish it as it turned out to be Brei’s final battle. After giving birth, and, hours after, letting her go home to God which is the best place she could ever be, I took most of my maternity leave to rest, heal, and get back on track with the world.

During my leave, I continued writing about Brei, what we went through, and how God’s love, grace, peace, and strength was ever so abundant in our lives. For some reason, I held off publishing what I’ve written, until one day, I looked back surprised that I have written so much it might as well be a book. It’s a mom-and-pop thing. I guess that’s the perfect way to describe the birth of this book. We knew from the start that it was going to be an indie project of sorts. I tried getting quotations for an artwork and even layout, but we ended up deciding to DIY for now.

We wanted a simple book cover, and because it was in a “blog book” concept, we wanted that concept carried through the cover and the pages of the book. I even thought about making the book’s look consistent with my new website. But it had to have meaning. It had to be deliberate. You see, the second time I saw Brei was the first time I got to hold her soft, tiny feet. It was the first time my mind was quiet and at peace since earlier that day when we found out that I had to give birth already. It was a looooong day; the best and worst day of our lives as a young married couple (even as individuals). If you’ve already read the ebook version, you’ll probably remember this story.

The third and last time I saw Brei was before we had an urn to hold, or a necklace to always wear. I got to hold her smooth rosy cheeks, mesmerized by how God can bring forth such beauty and somehow allow me to be a part of it. It was a time of healing, not just for us, but for our families, who were encouraged to hear that it’s okay to be okay. There was also something about releasing those 10 big and 07 small balloons that day that helped us all release Brei all the more, into the loving arms of God.

So the cover(‘s) story is… it’s basically the blurred out photos of these two significant and overly meaningful moments: me on my hospital bed at the NICU, holding Brei’s soft, tiny feet giving me so much peace, and our last photo of our rosy cheeked beauty.

P.S. The image used in this post is the first mock-up of the paperback edition of “When God Could’ve But He Didn’t.” As I write this, we’re currently working on the second and hopefully final mock-up. I’m still taking pre-orders through this link. Thanks so much for everyone who have already pre-ordered! I am overwhelmed by your support!


About Pam Marasigan

Hello! I'm a wife and mom who has a full-time job and does homeschooling, and I also birthed a book a year after we lost our firstborn. I aspire to live each day according to God’s purpose for me. I believe that we were designed to live life to the full throughout life’s different seasons.